I did a short version of this letter on Instagram. But I decided to write it without any limitation. Now that I am thirty years old, I think it’s the best moment to think about who I was… And what I would have loved to hear.
I know it’s weird to write to someone from the past. Especially since I’ve learned to let the past behind me and not look at it again. But now, you are nineteen years old and you are struggling a bit. You stopped going to university, studying law is not for you and you didn’t say anything to mom.
It’s a bit stupid, to wake up early, take the bus to nowhere and to lose a year instead of just talking. It’s fine, you will deal with it. You think you are lost because nobody understands what happens in your head. It’s true, and nobody will never understand what happens in your head.
You don’t want to disappoint mom and dad but you will. And it’s fine. Because you will disappoint them sometimes but you will make them proud often. And you will make them proud when you will stand by your opinions.
You are strong
You think you are weak but you are really strong. A bit lazy tho. Let’s say, it’s better if someones do it for you. Ok, at thirty, it’s still the case. But you will do amazing and crazy things !
And you know what ? You will act as if it was normal. People will say you are brave, and you will just be like “oh well I don’t know”. It’s too bad but you will spend your life without realizing how strong you are.
Mentally and physically speaking. You will do really crazy things. And you will talk about it as if you just went for groceries. But it will take a lot of time to be able to ask something to strangers.
You are neither fat or ugly
I feel stupid to write it… Because I think I am 10 kilos more than you and I don’t feel fat anymore. Your legs will carry you all over the world and your arms will carry a lot of kids. Your big dark eyes will make a lot of guys to fell for you.
The smile you hate that much will open a lot of doors and you will avoid a lot of fines. So, yeah, you will never be taller, never even reach the meter sixty-five and you will never be the skinny girl you want to be.
But it’s fine because, with time, you will learn and understand that your body is only a vehicle. A vehicle that makes able to walk, run, jump and even weight lift ! Be proud and take care of it.
You are a good person
I know you doubt about it because nobody comes to you. But, sorry not sorry, it’s only your fault. You are friendly but you always put a wall between you and the rest of the world. Sometimes, you are a bit elusive. But don’t worry, you will be fine with it in a few years.
What will happen is, with time, you will realize the value of your own company. You love people and you will always try to help them to be a better version of themselves. But you don’t let anyone help you to be a better person.
You will lead your initiatory quest alone. You will be able to analyze all your reactions and all your behaviors. Yourself and the world will be an interesting topic to study. You will try things, change it, adapt it, fail, try harder and observe. Observe how you feel and how you can deal with it. Growing up, you will change your behavior and the way you see the world. You will always be evolving.
Your weaknesses are your strengths
You will be more emotional and empathic. Some days will be really hard because you will, literally, take everything on your back. You will feel all the emotions around. At some point, you will stop watching the news because it makes you too sad.
And one day, you will be a teacher (yeah I know we didn’t want that) and the fact that you are emotional and empathic will make you a super teacher for the kids. You will have tears in your eyes for the Mother’s Day choir. And every June. And every time you will see the progress of your kids.
I will write something and you will laugh when you will laugh but … love can change the world. So don’t be scared to love ! Be the change you want to see in this world and love ! Love yourself first and then you will be able to love others… And let them love you back.
Leave this impostor syndrome away.
I don’t know if I am writing it for you or for me. But you have to believe in yourself. You have a fire inside and it’s really sad that you are trying daily to extinguish it. If you succeed, it’s not because it was easy, it’s because you are smart.
If you got this job, it’s because they wanted you. And you will see : you will be able to do everything you want. You learn fast, you understand fast and you don’t cheat. I am not gonna make the list of all the jobs you will do but believe me, you will have an amazing CV for a thirty years old woman.
And you have to realize how lucky you are ! You are not stuck ! Nowhere. Not in a job, not in a country, not in a house. Today, the only thing I have to think about is this fluffy grey cat. You will see, he is adorable and he is your best support (it says a lot about your socials skills, right ?)
When you think about something, believe in it and do it. You are good enough to do it. And in the worst case, what ? You can only be better. So… start this blog !
Surround yourself properly
Start from today to surround yourself with good people who believe in you and support you. And never let anyone telling you that you are not good enough. People are mean without any reasons, sometimes. But you are not the problem, they are.
It’s them, the problem. In fact, you will spend your life trying to find excuses for mean people. And it’s something good. Because you will learn how to not be affected by meanness. You will grow up and nothing will affect you.
Because you will learn something really important : mean people are sad. And every time you will be mean, you will feel sad. In fact, nobody likes to hurt people. So mean people are just sad because of this meanness.
Enjoy every day !
Everything will be alright. Honestly, it will be better than what you are expecting today. You will live your best life, a life you never had thought about.
You will have a really nice journey and it’s gonna be amazing. There are so many things you will learn, you will see so many things and you will take so many opportunities at the perfect moment. And you will always leave at the perfect time.
You are a beautiful person. Never forget about it.
Your future you, who is really proud of what you became.