So I am twenty nine and a half, as say the little kids in my class. Almost thirty and still single. Not married, not divorced, no kids and not planning to have some ! When I was a kid, I thought that being thirty years old was being a mom. So how do I live being single at almost thirty years old?
It’s a really personal topic and I didn’t expect to write about it in this blog. It’s not hard for me to talk about it but I didn’t know I will mention it on this blog. When I arrived in Kuwait, I was twenty-six years old. And often, women around me asked me why I wasn’t married.
Why are you single at 30 ?
Often, people say it’s because I didn’t find the good one. What does mean the good one ? They talk about someone who will complete me, but do I need to be completed ? No, thanks, I am already complete by myself.
When I was eighteen, I was in a relationship. I was deeply in love with the young boy and we broke up, I was sad as a small stone. I imagined all my future with him, I had in mind the lazy Sunday mornings with our kids in the big bed with white sheets. The family happiness, my long hair on the pillow, our kids between us ending their night. Walks in the forest pushing the bicycles at the sunset and snacks next to the fireplace. And next to me, always the same boy.
But life is life and we broke up. Fiou ! Disappeared the dreams of the perfect life, no more walks in the forest, and going back to the reality was a little bit hard. Who are we when we spend two years with the same person ? What do we like when we discovered a complete world with someone else ? What are our habits when we built everything being two ?
It was hard. I tried things I loved and some others that I hated. I met new people. Some of them looked like me and other were too different. Step by step, I started finding myself. But girls often talk about relationships, so I started looking for someone else, again.
So, did you meet someone ?
It’s the question that always pop-up. We meet in a coffee place, so how are you ? We answer, I am good, you know, work, life, the normal life. And then, relationships. And here the question comes : so, did you meet someone ?
Yeah, there is this guy, I have coffees with him but I don’t know. Nobody listen to the I don’t know, the only important part is this guy. Who is he ? Do you have a picture ? Where did you meet him ? You should try ! Impossible to explain that, here, deep inside, I don’t feel it. Impossible to explain because nobody listens. If I don’t feel it, it’s not because of him, it’s because of me. Me, I don’t feel myself having coffees with this guy.
Fighting the single life seems to be the biggest fight in a woman’s life. Think about a movie. I am sure there is a love story in it. Think about a book ! Love story also. A song ? Most of the time it’s about relationship. Tell me one movie with a happy-single woman.
I tried, I played the dating game : I went out with boys, I had dinner or coffee. I tried and I lost, always.
I love to do things by myself. I go to the movies alone, to the cafe or restaurant sometimes. I walk alone. Sometimes I need a bit of courage to do things, but I always have friends to push me. I dont have any trouble being alone because I dont feel the loneliness.
The only problem is the others
I have only one problem with being single at thirty years old : the other people. I am sure, if tomorrow I decided to go on the top of the Himalaya, people will ask me if I did it alone or no.
If I do something I am proud of and I want to talk about, the first question people will ask is if I did it alone or no. If the answer is no, fiou ! good, we can keep talking. If I say yes, the main subject is not important anymore, I have to answer… It wasn’t boring ? You were not scared ? I will never do it alone, it’s impossible ! And everybody forgets about my story. The only thing that matters is the fact that I was alone.
A few months ago, I was in love with a Kuwaiti. Suddenly, my life, my weekend, my holidays, everything was interesting ! I was sharing my daily life with someone ! I finally had a good excuse to cancel dinner. When I was single, people used to call me at 8 : 30 for a dinner at 8 : 35, without understanding that I was busy. When I was in a relationship, they called me three days before. Single, I couldn’t cancel an event because I was to tired, being in a relationship, I could leave any places because my boyfriend is waiting for me at home.
Being single : a scary mirror for some
People often project their fears on others. Me, as a thirty years old single woman, I am a the fear of a lot of girls. Questions are never for me, I am just kind of a mirror. I am the representation of something they don’t want to know.
However, I am good, thank you. No, I don’t want to get married tomorrow. Yes I would love to have kids, but no, it’s not my first ambition. My biological clock is OK, thanks a lot. No, it’s not almost too late, because having a family, having kids, are not my priority. And if I have to die tomorrow, I will not have regrets.
I won’t have any regrets because I didn’t meet yet the dad I want for my children. I didn’t meet yet the husband I want and I deserve. And I’ve never been the girl I want to be when I was in a relationship.
It seems like, for a lot of people, the thirty years old single woman is like Bridget Jones. She is hesitating between few guys, still thinking and crying about the last one and all her life seems to be the quest of the perfect husband. Honestly, even for me, this life is scary.
… but a nice reality for others.
I love who I am when I am single. I am full of energy, I can do whatever I want. I am full of confidence and will. I quit smoking whenever I want, sleep early, wake up early, eat healthy, I have my own rhythm and I am really happy about it. The life I am living when I am single is the life I want to live forever.
I can speak for hours about things I did when I was single. I traveled all around the world, from America to Asia where I drove scooters. I left everything to live in Kuwait, I bought a Challenger, I ran few races, five or ten kilometers. Just for me. I made two tattoos and three piercings and I removed it. After a break up, I quit a job I hated without even thinking about it. And I have a lot of stories to tell.
Actually, single women do stuffs in their life. They have passions, they live their life, they try new things, they have a lof of stuff to talk about. Being single is not like a flu who make us stuck in bed. Life doesn’t start when we are in a relationship.
To be single all my life ?
Being single or in a relationship is not a choice for me. It’s like everything in life, it depends of people you meet, of what we want at a precise moment and what life gives us at the same moment.
Today, I am almost thirty years old. I have never been that good in my life. I’ve never been that confident. I look at me in the mirror and I find myself beautiful for the first time of my life. I think I am a funny, lovely and kind person. It’s the first time of my life I am in peace with myself.
And you know what ? I find it super cool to be single and to be able to enjoy a nice version of myself at 100%. And this version of myself, I found it alone, I made it alone. So even if one day I have to deal with a horrible break up again, I am sure about one thing. I will be able to find me again easily.